In counseling we have a saying that the presenting problem and the real problem are rarely the same. by this we mean that people come into counseling with an idea of what they want fixed, such as a child who is flunking out of school, but the real problem is something they never thought to explore, perhaps the parent has not set up proper boundaries in the house, or the child is exceptionally bright and bored in class.

This is true not only in counseling. You can see this trend in engineering, software programming, even spiritual direction. Perhaps one of most frequent places people see it on a day to day basis is in relationships.

How many time can you remember having a quarrel with a sibling about borrowing an outfit or a toy when the real issue is that you don’t feel like you have any privacy. Or what about yelling at a friend because they used a nickname you don’t like when really the problem stems from your low feelings of self worth. Maybe you and your spouse fought about whether to eat out or stay home and cook, when really one is lonely because the other travels for work so much.

Too often, we refuse to stick with a person or issue long enough to understand what is really weighing down a person’s soul. This may mean chasing after somebody who has hurt you, or apologizing for pushing too hard before understanding the other person’s point of view. These acts of humility are the first steps in reconciling a relationship, and they may also be the steps needed to kick start healing in both peoples’ hearts.

Pax,

-Paul Hart Cochran